Tuesday, February 01, 2005

I’m looking for a new religion.

I’m looking for a new religion. It’s clear to me now that my current theocracy isn’t cutting the mustard. We’re way behind in celebrity endorsements. After all, ‘the meek may inherit the earth’ but they’ll still pay Ben Affleck $12 million to make Surviving Christmas. That said, I’ve narrowed my choices down to two, Kabbalah and Scientology.

Scientology – I mean what’s not to like here. It’s been around the block, if you know what I mean. Plus it’s got the word ‘Science’ in its name – that just screams legitimacy. And star wattage, you ask? John Travolta AND Tom Cruise, forget the Body of Christ, they’re dreamy! On the downside, I was never very handy with the Bunsen burner, I’m not sure if that’s a pre-requisite for joining, but again – ‘Science’ – beakers can’t be far off. Plus listening to someone giving a sermon while wearing a smock and goggles would seem way too close to 10th grade chemistry class – not sure that’s something I want to revisit.

Kabbalah – its future’s so bright, you have to wear shades. That’s a good thing, since you’re gonna be rubbing elbows with some major star wattage! The best part of it is that it’s so en vogue right now, you’ll be the envy of your neighbors. Imagine sitting on your front porch reading ‘An English Rose’ to your children while wearing your red string; the superior feeling you’ll get as your neighbors slink off to Sunday brunch at Old Country Buffet. Religion envy? You know it! This is a doctrine of ‘esoteric knowledge’, how cool is that? If that doesn’t scream “I’m smarter than you”, I’m not sure what does. Add to that a healthy does of mysticism and it’s like Harry Potter, only with God… and no magic wands (unless you’re in the inner sanctum, maybe you get wands then – not really sure). The downside is that Brittney Spears is involved, and that more than likely brings Kevin Federline into the mix. I’m not sure that’s someone I want on my religious kickball team, if you know what I mean…


Ahh well, in reality I’ll probably stick with the horse that got me here. After all, I’m still trying to unload all my Atkins-approved cookbooks, food items and clothing apparel from my last foray into highly visible fads.

6 Comments:

At 7:19 AM, Blogger MomThatsNuts said...

Your funny. I like your style, I could go head to head with you on bad days though...game??

 
At 8:09 AM, Blogger Jim Cota said...

Mike, this catches me at an interesting time... On Sunday morning, as I was packing all the little monkeys into the SUV to take them to wrestling (strike that) church, I noticed a jogger running down the street. I briefly wondered how nice it would be to live the life of a heathen... sleeping in on Sunday's, reading the paper, having a late brunch. And to think -- none of those worries about sin, no more guilt... Imagine the bliss!

In the end, however, I put the truck in reverse, and headed off to mass. Once there, I prayed for forgiveness for that passing moment when I secretly dreamt of running over the jogger and going back to bed.

 
At 2:02 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

hate to post anonymously, but...

kaballah (ka ba lah) is not a religion but a mystical sect of Judaism that is being incorrectly abused by certain members of the celebraty community of late. it is supposed to be only studied if you are a Jew of 45 years or olded, and according to some only by men...(not me i'm just saying) anyway, just wanted to ranted agained the madonna association with it i see so much and the way that this guy preaching it to these mindless celebs is teaching what is considered the wrong thing by almost all Jews in the world...

anyway

i must sign so i can show my courage:
Schleifnet of schleifstein.net

ps: feel free to ignore as i'm sure you meant the post in jest...

 
At 2:06 PM, Blogger : JustaDog said...

Why do you think you must associate yourself with a religion? You don't have to be an atheist and you can still have values and morals. Sort of like the last election - "blamed" on a high turnout of Christians. I'd disagree - you don't have to be any religion to know good from bad, right from wrong - more related to a person's common sense.

http://wheresyourbrain.blogspot.com/

 
At 9:21 PM, Blogger Irate Savant said...

I second the comment above. Religion is just so much trouble. And, of course, none of it is true.

 
At 5:51 AM, Anonymous Chuck said...

Hey, Mike, most of us humans have had such moments. The difference is having some grounding in principle to bring you back. Carry on.

To justadog: Looking back throughout history, can you think of a culture that had anything approaching Judeo-Christian ideals and morality? I don't mean the bad examples of those who have failed to be perfect (i.e., everyone but Christ Jesus); I mean the actual Scriptural mandates. The "values and morals" you speak of are the vestiges of our distinctly Christian heritage, based upon centuries of biblical instruction. As generations of people are growing up with less and less of that teaching, their relativistic "morality" will look more and more like depravity. Just check the headlines. BTW; if it really was "common sense" more people would have it.

 

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