Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Want to live forever? I don’t think so….

From Wired Issue 13.02

Nobody lives forever - but we're about to get a whole lot closer, says Aubrey de Grey, a controversial age theorist and a gene database manager at Cambridge University. In February's issue of the international journal Gerontology, the self-taught scientist argues that recent advances in our understanding of aging may allow today's sixtysomethings to reach their 1,000th birthdays.

Ok, de Grey later admits that he picked this number more for PR reasons then for reality. But let’s fixate on it for a moment – a thousand years old.

People want to live this long?


Think of the ramifications…

  • The average celebrity gets married once every **5 years – do we really want to stick around for Britney’s 195th walk down the aisle?

  • Forget same-sex marriages, by age 285 you’ll be ready to experiment with farm animals. And you think I’m kidding.

  • Martha Stewart Living….Forever.

  • Y3K bug.

Look, I’m not saying that some extra time on the ‘life clock’ wouldn’t be appreciated. I’m just not certain our current society is built to accommodate it. I mean, I’m still young and already bored with most TV programming. Can you imagine trying to entertain yourself for an extra 920 years?

Wife: “Honey, let’s go to Disneyland…”

Husband: “Seriously? We’ve been there twenty-seven f#$%ing times! I actually break out in a rash every time I hear that Mouseketeer song”

Husband: “M-I-C… See you in Hell, Mickey… K-E-Y… Why? Because I can’t wait to die. M-O-U-S-E”

Wife: “You’re always so negative. Nothing like my 10th husband – what’s his name again? I always have trouble remembering the second century.”

Husband: “You can’t remember this century, you airhead. If you could, you’d remember I hate f#$king Disneyland. In fact, I hate you as well, now that I think about it!”

Wife: “Well I hate you too! All you do all day is spend time with the farm animals! I’m divorcing you!”

Husband: “God, I haven’t felt this alive since my last divorce, you ten dollar hooker. Anger rules!”

Wife: “No kidding, let’s have a hotly contested split. Maybe we can drag out the emotion for a few more weeks, pin dick.”

Husband: “Pin dick? You try satisfying someone that’s given birth to the population of Guatemala. What’s amazing is that I was ever able to find the exit. So deep… so dark…”

Wife: “You make me so hot when you talk about me as a large cavernous Pit of No Return. Take me now!”

Husband: “And I love it when you speak of my manhood, which would be considered by our ancestors to be an ancient artifact, as a small needle-like tool. Let’s get it on!”

Hot loving ensues…

Husband: “Would you mind a threesome with the sheep?”

**Yes, I made this up.


At 8:18 AM, Blogger Dane Jurkovic said...

And you think I am sick (/grin).

At 5:54 PM, Blogger "Ari" said...


At 8:36 PM, Blogger sapere aude said...


Great job at wittiness. Enjoyed this post.

At 9:27 AM, Blogger Jim Cota said...

Uh... can my comment be "no comment"?

At 3:39 PM, Blogger Night said...

/me applauds.

Great example of showing people their bad sides, and not bothering to think of correcting, but just letting them laugh and keep it. Indeed, why live forever when we have limited amount of animals to try n-some with?

(do not take this comment as a piece of offence, the post is great)

At 4:27 PM, Blogger PSP Politics, Sports and Philosophy said...

Excellent stuff.... very funny!!

At 7:57 AM, Blogger Saint Nate said...

If all that wasn't enough, here's an argument guaranteed to give you nightmares:

Imagine Paris Hilton living forever.

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