Your Pal Mike Responds - Question #5
These posts are a series that started with this post. Questions are still being accepted, feel free to ask one yourself.
Question: Yes, I am in need of your help. I have a man, and I have kids, but I don't have Johnny Depp. I know he lives in France. Would it be wrong to mortgage the house, send the kids to boarding school, put my man on a cruise around the world and fly my ass abroad to hang out at the cafe near his house until he sees me and we marry? Also, I'm not all that fond of France, how can I overcome this?
Interesting conundrum Kim,
Your Pal Mike responds:
First things first, you need to get into the French way of thinking ASAP. This will help quell your distaste for France. Johnny’s never going to fall for you if you play the role of ‘Ugly American’. Lucky for you, the French lifestyle is easy to embrace.
*Here’s where to start:
- Yes, it’s true, don’t shower. Shaving is optional as well.
- As you walk down the street in your town, randomly spit on people. Make sure these people are American –depending on where you live, this might be tricky.
- Become hyper-sensitive about American policy. Frequently postulate about the ignorance of all Americans. Generalize, and use random nonsensical points like: They think the song ‘We are the World’ was just about them.
- Openly hate Bush.
*Again, these are tips for becoming French, not for becoming a Democrat.
Oh, and take up heroin, it’ll give you that sleek, urban look that Johnny finds irresistible. Don’t forget to hide the tracks!
Once in France and safely situated at the café of your choice, you’ll need that one last ingredient to reel in your fish. I’d recommend carrying a book like Tom Wolfe’s The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test. It says ‘I’m hip’ without being too blatant. You don’t actually have to read it, just open it up and place whatever issue of US Weekly you happen to be reading inside. If someone questions you as to what the book is about, slowly place it on the table while giving them a look down your nose – a small chuckle will do you well here. Ask them if they are American. Light up a Gauloises and stare off into the street. Don’t answer – this is common behavior in France.
It won’t be long until Mr. Depp notices you. Hopefully from then on you’ll make beautiful music together.
Good luck with the heroin addiction!